Where I've Been

Stream of consciousness, anyone?

Where have I been since 2017?

The truth is, I don't really know.

I've been at university. I've been getting tattoos. I've been building friendships with people I never thought I'd build friendships with. My nephew was born. I've been dealing with myself, learning about who I am and who I want to be. I'm 200x more political than ever (Brexit is a bad idea). I've been educating myself, trying to become more aware of my privilege and the injustice other people face. I've been writing endless essays, trying to get to grips with my dissertation and dealing with the immense stress of practical assessments. I even went to the Isle of Wight if that interests anyone.

I ghosted someone I was seeing because she was on the opposite side of the political spectrum - extremely right-wing.

I even started learning French again the other day because I'm scared about what life is going to be like without education. That's because at the time of writing this, I'm 2 days away from my last day at university (and a month away from my last deadline - my dissertation). To say I'm terrified would be an understatement. I have to get work experience - except you can't get work experience without having 10 years worth of work experience and a sacrifice to Zeus by the age of 12. So I'm stuck at the moment, hence the French and return to the blog. 

I was thinking about my book the other day, and how satisfying it was to release it independently after being released from my contract with a publisher (I was dropped for focusing on my A Levels). The book did quite well for a debut independent release, it was a top 10 Adventure/Sci-Fi Bestseller. Shifted a fair amount of copies and I was even emailed some fan-art back in 2017 (weird flex but ok). It's one of the only times I've ever truly felt proud of myself. The sequel to the book is almost done, it's been sat collecting digital dust since the 31st August 2017. I'll get back to it one day. I just want to clear my head before I try to go back. 

I've been going out a lot more lately, which perhaps isn't that healthy but it's a reminder of what life used to be like a few years ago when I actually had a social life. It's bittersweet though because while I really enjoy spending time/going out with everyone from university... it's ending soon. We'll be all over the country (and world) and I'll be wondering why we left it until our final year to start enjoying each others company outside of lectures. 

The friends I've made at university are some of the most important people in my life. Even recently, people who've been in my classes since the very first day have all of a sudden become some of my favourite people. What I see as my 'main' class (TV production) mostly comprises of people that I've been in the same class with since our first lecture (which coincidentally was TV production), and it's quite rare to have that at university so it feels more special, and then more devastating that it's coming to an end. 

I guess I'm worried that leaving university will be a lot like leaving secondary school/6th form. I felt suddenly isolated and disconnected, I had nothing to do and everyone was going out and travelling together whilst I was left alone playing on my PS4. I had a severe case of FOMO. I'm worried that leaving university will put me back in that place, where I'm once again isolated and nobody ever wants to speak to me - which feels bizarre because I'm 21 years old and I shouldn't care about that kind of stuff but it's constantly on my mind because I don't want to go back to that place and I do care about that stuff. 

I received a phone call the other day from one of my closest friends who'd been through a fair bit of trauma recently, and I just fell to the floor and sat against my bed. He told me what had happened to him, and why he did what he did, and I was left speechless. (He's given me permission to talk about this).

He did something a few weeks back which left me devastated, I didn't tell my family because they'd panic thinking I wasn't ok and I only told a few select friends because I didn't want to be a burden. I was the last person he spoke to before he did what he did, so I was left feeling responsible and guilty. I wasn't allowed to visit either and had barely any updates, which is totally understandable considering how serious the situation was. 

I ended up dissociating a lot, I had to get an extension on an essay because I couldn't focus (which is a bigger deal for me than it sounds, I'd never had to have an extension before). I had experienced the same a few years back, so it was a huge trigger and it got to me. I got drunk on a night out and as I was walking back to mine I left a few voicemails. I was asking questions and begging him to be alright, and in that phone call the other day he answered some of those questions. I don't blame him for doing what he tried to do, there's still a culture of shaming men for struggling (*cough* Piers Morgan *cough*) so it's inevitable that some men will struggle in silence. I just hope I can do enough next time to help him.

With leaving university so soon, I've been left wondering about what I actually want to do. In my second year of university, I took a documentary module and fell in love with documentaries. I made my own, which you can watch if you want.

So now I'm wondering if I should go into documentary making, because it's something I genuinely enjoy and I'd love to explore the deaf community more (because my family are deaf). But, I've just finished my last TV assessment and as stressful as it was, I'd love to go into the TV industry. I just don't know what I'd do once I'm in it. I'd also like to go into editing, I'd like to write, and I'd like to create. So I'm a bit stuck.

I'm learning to accept that I'm not the 'norm'. The other day someone thought it would be funny to make comments about my appearance, and I was left thinking about it for days. At times I didn't turn the light on in my bathroom just so I didn't have to look at myself. But perhaps, what others might laugh at me for, is what makes me me. So now I'm blocking it all out, and realising my individuality comes from what people see as my flaws. Even then, my personality people see as a flaw - I'm too political, I try too hard to be kind, I try too hard to make people laugh, I try too hard to hide away and shut down. But that's what makes me me, so it's fine. It's chill. No bother. Doesn't bother me, I swear.

I'd been thinking about coming back to this blog for a while, but I lost interest in it when it became simply #ads and monthly music posts. It stopped feeling like my blog and started to feel like a Buzzfeed spin-off. I used to get a solid readership, and I still get approximately 5 views a day (which is still fair play, respect to all 5 of you). I don't know if anyone will read this post, especially considering it's  l o n g, quite boring, and a bit too personal, but I'll see if I post it anyway because I needed to do a stream of consciousness somewhere. I'll try to start it up again after my final deadline. I want to do a bit more photography and some more streams of consciousness, so I guess that'll go here. I'd like to do more music posts (and I created a music video instagram account - follow here) and more film/tv stuff, but I'd like it all to be less formulaic.

So there you go, that's where I've been. Just a bit lost, but I'm finding my place.

Curtis